Title: Fading thoughts
Author: Sekra (aka. Tikki)
Pairings: 1+2
Warnings: DEATH FIC!! - suicide, shounen ai, erm.... like, one naughty word, I think that's it.
Disclaimer: As much as the blender tells me, they're not mine. I am constantly reminded of this fact by the toaster.
Feedback: If I said yes, would you send it? Please?
Notes: I don't think I've posted this, sorry if I had. This was actually written on New Years Eve, a few weeks after I tried to slit my wrist so..... It ain't happy. But it isn't as depressing as you would think - well, I don't think it is...
[Heero's thoughts]


~*~*~*~

[Death. He tells me war is a dirty game, that bloodshed and destruction mean nothing.]

"Heero?"

[But if it doesn't mean a thing, then why do we fight?]

"Heero?"

[Why? Why create something with no purpose?]

"Hey, Heero. Please say something."

[Because...because...]

"Goddamn it! Answer me!"

[It's because I don't know how to live any other way. So I will simply cease to be.]

"Come on Heero! Please....please."

"Let's go get some food, we'll come back later."

"But what if...what if something happens while we're gone?"

"Duo, you've been here for ten hours straight, a few minutes won't hurt."

"A few minutes hurt him....it...it only took him a few minutes."

[I hear voices talking, but I don't know if they're real or not or if they mean what they say. The mind is cunning. It will play tricks on you, that's something both Wing and Epyon taught me.]

"Try not to think about it. Grab your coat, let's go."

"No, you go. I'm gonna stay here and watch over him."

"Trowa, come help me."

"C'mon Duo, it's not healthy. You have to eat something."

"I'm not hungry."

"Maxwell, you've been sat on your ass long enough. Move."

[It's quiet now, the voices have gone.Vanished, just like me. Shinigami is coming. I invited him here. It's time to see just why he is the only God Duo can believe in.]

"See Duo, no changes."

"Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of. Why the fuck is he not waking?"

[There's only one now, the rest have gone. Violet eyes, the only clue I have of my observer.]

"Oh Heero, why? Why didn't you say something? It should have never come to this."

[I said nothing because no-one cares. Not even me.]

"I can't lie to you Heero, I'm not gonna give you shit about life being precious because we all know it's not. As you said, life is cheap,"

[It is also expensive, we pay for every breath we take. I'm broke, I have nothing left to give in return for life.]

"But if life is cheap, than why not buy more? Live life, use it, don't throw it away when your done."

[ I was done with life from the first breath I took, I've been carrying it for fifteen unwanted years. It's become to heavy for me.]

"Don't leave me, please don't leave me Heero. I pray to Shinigami not to take you from me."

[I'm sorry. The God of Death's shadow is drawing near and I'm waiting for him.]

"I need you, please stay with me."

[Those words, they mean something to whoever is speaking them. I have a feeling that they mean something to me. Emotions are something I do not possess, at least that was before...before he came along. Before he showed me how to love. Yet that love never extended to myself, so here I lay. The purple orbed watcher, his questions are mine.]

"Heero. I have three words to say to you. I will say I hate you now. But when you come back to me, then I will say the words I never had the courage to say before."

[Hate. Hate is strong, my ability to hate overpowered my ability to love long ago. Because I hate everything and love only one. I hate people. I hate humanity full stop. I hate war. I hate killing and death. I hate peace. I hate the world, the earth. I hate the colonies. I hate OZ. I hate the Gundams. I hate myself. I hate life. But above all, I hate living. I love Duo.]

"You hear me Hee-chan? You live to hear the three words you have never heard in your life."

[Duo. Those violet eyes, Duo's violet eyes. He is with me. I will wake to hear those words, and those words only. Let me listen to them for the first and last time of my life.]

"Tell me what they are."

"He..Heero? I love you."

[Thank you. Thank you for saying them. Shinigami has accepted my invitation. Death has arrived. Gomen Duo, I love you too. Goodbye. I'll see you in hell.]



~Owari~