Title: Deep Inside
Author: Sekra (aka. Tikki)
Pairings: 1+2
Warnings: Shounen ai (duh), Duo POV, angst, sap.
Rating: G
Disclaimer: Oh soooo not mine!! *cries puddles on the floor* But I want them!! If the creators & Co are interested, I have a whole load of pokemon cards I will trade for them.
Archive: *sobs* Nobody's that desperate. If you want it, take it, then go to a shrink to get him to explain why.
Feedback: Yes, please, I *need* feedback!!
Notes: done on a boring afternoon. Please tell me what you think about it because I don't know if it's good or bad and I'm the one who *wrote* it!
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Duo POV



He's just sitting there. It seems that's all he does when he's not on a mission. I can just imagine his daily schedule.

Sleep

Eat

Blow things up

Type mission report

Maintenance on Gundam

Shower

Eat

Spend time on laptop looking up god knows what

Sleep

Day after day.

Oh and don't forget his quota of one syllable sounds, grunts and hn's.

His bad fashion sense. Don't get me wrong, wearing spandex isn't a crime- when it's on Heero's ass, but on anyone else it should be illegal, and then there's those mustard-yellow shoes of his, I mean where did Doc J even find them?

He's an emotionless, anti-social, suicidal, homicidal, cold, calculating, bastard with the vocabulary of a parrot, and the social skills of a rock.

Yep, he lives up to his reputation as the perfect soldier. As cold as ice.

But there are things about him that I see that others don't. Deep down, beyond the layers of pain and training he carries something beautiful inside. He sometimes lets his soldier's mask slip and gives me a smile that shows me everything. It makes me want to cry. What did he say once? That those who are considered beautiful are always full of sorrow?

Is that why he looks like a fallen angel? Yes, that's exactly what he is, a fallen angel that can't find his place in a world he doesn't belong in.

If that is so, what makes me hope against hope that this gorgeous angel will ever have feelings for me, the self-proclaimed Shinigami.

I know his life is filled with bloodshed, killing and screams of the dead, like all of ours. But still he somehow manages to stay pure and clean on the inside.

Is it because he is only fighting in this bloody war because on orders or does he truly believe that he is doing the right thing?

Do any of us really know if we're doing the right thing? Is all the killing, bloodshed and nightmares worth it?

What of the families of the ones we destroy? I know what it is like to have loved ones taken from me. I hated it, I still hate it and yet here I am, making others go through the pain of loss.

Is that why fate has something against the existence of those around me. Is that why Death takes everyone I've ever cared about away from me? To make me suffer what I make others suffer?

"What are you thinking?"

Heero's question startled me out of my depressing thoughts. His voice is unusually gentle, soft. He's sitting on the side of my bed staring at me with those deep cobalt blue eyes; I think I fell for his eyes first. They're often so cold and emotionless but if you look close enough, stare into his soul, you can see never ending pain and sadness. It draws me towards him like a magnet.

I want to show him he isn't alone, I want to reach out and kiss his soft lips to show him that he is loved. But can't.

Not now. Not ever.

"What were you thinking Duo?"

His voice is almost pleading to know the words in my head. I wonder why it matters. He has never paid attention to me before. He has never bothered to find out anything about me.

"Why do you want to know?"

"I'm curious to what can have the famous loud mouth baka in quiet thought for an hour."

The comment caught me of guard. He cared enough to notice?

"How long were you watching me?"

"Most of the time you were laying here. I noticed you watching me then drift off. I was intrigued at the emotions that played across your face; I've never seen so many expressions on one face before."

Silence. That is the only thing I can do, sit in silence. Heero's eyes have taken on a deep look and I feel like I am drowning in them.

Tears, there are tears in his eyes. Never, in a million years would I believe the perfect soldier would lose his control. Especially in front of me.

"Why are you so sad Duo? The majority of the emotions were sadness. Your normally cheerful face looks dark; almost dead like. Why?"

Damn chain reactions. Damn Heero and his damn question. Damn the answer to said damn question. Damn all my memories. I can feel the tears well up and roll down my cheeks. Damn them.

Why am I sad? Did he really have to ask?

"Do you really want to know?"

I watch in shock as he reaches over to me and wipes away the small rivers of tears from my face. His hand then cups my chin and forces me to look at him.

And I see a mirror of myself.

I see a fifteen year old boy as lost as myself, maybe more lost than I.

Uncertainty crosses Heero's face.

"I want to know what can bring the emotionally strongest person I have ever know to tears. I want to know so then I can help." I see a solitary tear ran down his face. "With all my heart."

My heart skips a beat or stops entirely, I can't tell.

The next thing I know, there is a soft warm pressure against my mouth. I realise Heero is kissing me. Heero is *kissing* me!!

I whimper as his lips leave mine before I have a chance to respond. He pulls away looking terrified.

"Gomen Duo, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. Gomen, gomen Duo."

I watch in shock as he shakes his head violently, cursing himself for acting on impulse. I gently take his gorgeous face in my hands and pull him towards me into a tight embrace.

"No Heero. I'm glad you acted on your feelings and I'm glad you acted on them with me. I won't be so sad now. You won' be as sad either."

"But Duo, what if it doesn't work. What if the sadness and emptiness don't retreat? What if you don't want me after awhile? I can't stand the loneliness anymore. The blackness is surrounding me more and more each day and I need you. I need you to pull me out before I drown in the darkness of myself. I need you to be there for me like I want to be there for you. I want to chase away the dying screams that haunt my existence but I can't do it by myself. I need an anchor. I need *you*!

My god. Is he really that insecure? I have never seen even a hint of any of this in him before. And all of a sudden he breaks down in tears and ramblings. It makes the tears return to my eyes, but this time it's not for me, it's for Heero.

How long has he been like this, how long had he kept all this in?

"Heero, you'll always have me. I won't ever leave you; I want you to remember that, OK? I'll always be with you, always. If the sadness and loneliness doesn't disappear, then we'll be sad and lonely together. Forever. Heero, I love you, and I'll always love you."

Heero has the happiest look on his face at the moment. It's amazing the change when he smiles, like life itself has just sprung into him, making his eyes sparkle, the colour like it was taken from the deepest ocean.

"Mean it?"

I think the look in my eyes must have reassured him because he pulled me into another embrace. His breath wisping across my neck.

"Aishiteru Duo. Aishiteru."



~Owari~