Title: Alone
Author: Sekra (aka. Tikki)
Pairings: 1+2
Warnings: Language, angst, minor self-mutilation, POV, TWT, authors random acts of insanity *cackles maniacally*.
Rating: Could be anything from PG-13 to R? I would say somewhere lost inbetween.
Disclaimer: I would like to think so, however, the threat of someone actually believing me when I say they belong to me causes reality to wake me with a scream, resulting with me landing on my ass. So not wanting a sore behind, I am going to firmly stick to 'Not Mine' as my defense.
Feedback: Who doesn't want it? Really?
Notes: ...................................(Trowa-like silence)............................................. Ok, this here is the work of muses (whenever it sucks - blame the voices in your head) Helliose and Talayer Do *not* blame me if I got it wrong, when Talayer speaks in his own language it is really hard to write what he is telling you when you can *not* understand a word of it.
Helliose: Excuses, excuses...
What was that? *glares and gives bastard muse a good kick*
Helliose: Nothing. *grumbles*


~*~*~*~

I sit and study the scene before me. Duo and Quatre talking, Trowa and Wufei listening with slight smiles lighting their faces.

And what am I doing? Sitting back in the darkness and staring at a blank screen, I should be typing damnit! But their happiness and ease is way too interesting. I like to watch the different emotions play across their faces and wish I knew what they felt like.

God. Not this again. Trying desperately to blink the tears back like I normally do, I realise they're too strong this time. I need to leave before they notice.

Stupid chair. It just had to make a noise as I get up and draw attention to me.

"Heero?" Damn, why does Quatre do that? Concern is a sign of weakness. Shoving the steel back in my eyes I turn around and give him a look that I hope says 'I'm fine. Piss off.'

"Um, we're all going out to grab some dinner later, are you coming?"

"No."

The walk to my room feels like forever. Damn, the tears are insisting to be let free but I can't, I'm not ready for them. I'm not ready to acknowledge them or what they mean yet.

Grabbing my towel, I strip my clothes as I make my way to the adjoined bathroom. Turning the water to freezing cold, I step in and fight the urge to jump back out of the cold spray. Now I can let them fall, where I can't tell the difference between my tears and the water.

"Heero! Can I come in?!" Shit. Why is Duo pounding the door down to get in here?

"Go away baka!" Shit shit shit Fuck!! I forgot I was crying and my voice as sure as hell didn't sound too good. Shit, now he's going to come in for sure and see what the hell's wrong with me. And there's the door opening now. Great, just fucking great.

"Heero? You ok?"

"Fine. Now get out."

"If you're sure..?"

I'm pretty sure I'm not fine but I refuse to hinder everyone with my meaningless problems, I will deal with them on my own.

"I'm sure."

"Ok...uh Heero, why is there no steam in here?"

"......"

"Have you got any hot water going?"

"......."

"Answer me! I want to know why you're having a freezing shower in the middle of winter!!"

"My business. I told you to leave me."

"But Heero!......."

"GO!"

I can almost hear the argument going through his head, leave or be horribly dismembered.

"Suit yourself."

I will. Thanking the God I don't believe in that he left it alone, I resume my showering as silent tears still roll down my face.

+

Alone. Always alone, even if I walk into a classroom full of students I'm still alone. It's as if there's a black darkness that surrounds and cuts me off from everything living. Because really, the dead at heart have no place with the living anyway.

They went out for dinner a little while ago, nobody has seen me since Duo came knocking on the bathroom door and I intend to keep it that way. The less I see of them, then maybe I will be able to put the human side of me back in the box and not let it out again. I'd rather the soldier control me than the human. The soldier I am familiar with, I've lived with him my whole life whereas the human is so unfamiliar, all the new feelings and emotions I don't understand show themselves when he emerges.

It's snowing and it only re-enforces my feeling of loneliness in he world. That's another reason for me wanting the 15 year old boy gone from my thoughts, the soldier doesn't care about these things, as long as I do my duty it doesn' t matter if there is anyone with me or not.

Alone. That damn word keeps popping up in my head. It has so many meanings to me and I can't work them all out, it's driving me to insanity. Like the silence around me will only echo that one word.

Reaching into my bag I find what I'm looking for as I feel it cut into my skin. It's a bad habit I know but it is how I deal with the pain. I hurt others and I should be no exception, so I hurt myself, as simple and as complex as that.

Rolling up my jeans, I make sure they wont fall back down as I sink the blade down and slowly across, wanting to feel every bit of pain again so I know I'm still alive. So I know that I haven't fallen into some kind of solitary Hell. Blood red streaks prove this to me as they run down my leg and stain the old carpet beneath my foot. I turn to the top of my left arm and resume the cutting there.

Now for my badly scarred wrists, positioning the blade, I fail to notice the bedroom door open. A gasp wakes me from my trance and I look up to see that I am revealed to each one of my comrades.

One word crosses my mind.

Shit.

I realise how bad this looks for me. Sitting on the floor, tears running down my face, streams of my blood trailing down my arm and leg and me ready to start on my wrist. This situation would look funny to an outsider, both parties staring at each other like a deer caught in headlights.

The image drifts into my mind and I start laughing, and I suspect it has a slight maniacal tinge to it.

"You should see your faces!"

"Uh, Heero...?" My lighthearted approach to the situation doesn't seem to fool them so I shut up and stare at the now extremely interesting floor. Footsteps come towards me and I'm surprised they belong to Wufei.

"Heero, give me that razor." My gaze goes from his worried face to the blade in me hand, can I give it up?

"Heero, give me the razor." He repeats, his voice is soft. I shake my head.

"No, I won't give up my only salvation." I can't believe I just admitted that to them. Silence follows my comment, but not the usual silence, it's different somehow.

"Ok, keep it. Just promise to never use it again."

I laugh again. "Don't worry, I'm not going to kill myself with it. I still need to finish this war first." As soon as 'first' leaves my mouth I regret saying it, now they're going to think I'm more suicidal than they used to. I laugh again, I have self-inflicted cuts, I think my mental state is already quite obvious.

More footsteps, Trowa's this time.

"Salvation from what?"

".........."

"Heero. From what?"

"From the all consuming darkness of sadness and loneliness. From reality. From the pain that weighs heavy. From everything." I manage to choke out before a fit of shaking over takes my body and the tears well up again.

Wufei's cleaning and bandaging my cuts. It feels weird, the two I thought were the most unlikely to be worried are the closest to me at the moment. But I wonder, now that they know the real me, now they know I'm not as perfect as everyone thinks, will they still respect me or will they leave me alone once again?

Duo's violet eyes appear in front of mine and to my surprise they're filled with anger and hurt. I stare in shock as he rips the blade from my grip. "If you ever do this again, *ever*, I will match you one for one." Still in shock, I vaguely hear Quatre's voice but my eyes are glued to where Duo is cutting his leg and then arm....

"Stop it." It takes a while but I realise those words were spoken by me. "Don't hurt yourself because of me, I'm not worth it." I suppress my horror as Duo cuts deeper than I have ever dared.

"You are worth it Heero. I am going to go deeper until you finally see that you *are* worth it! And that you are *not* alone."

"Duo......Stop it, I don't want to see you.....please don't."

He stops and I sigh in relief. All of a sudden my breath catches in my throat as Duo's faces nears mine, our noses almost touching. "I'll stop when you stop. I will hurt as long as you hurt, whether it be physical pain or emotional."

That did it. Something inside me snapped, the shaking starts again with more force and the tears start flowing without stopping.

"Looks like you're going to be hurting for a long time."



~Owari~